Footprints On My Soul
The Saga Continues
This is the continuing saga along “The Spiritual River”. The epic journey’s of Chris France. Footprints On My Soul.
But first we need some definitions to review.
Tenacity
Tenacity can be defined: as, the quality of being determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose; the quality or fact of continuing to exist.
- te·nac·i·ty: persistence, determination, perseverance, doggedness,
- strength of purpose, tirelessness, resolution, resoluteness, resolve,
- firmness, patience, purposefulness, staunchness, steadfastness.
- staying power, endurance, stamina, stubbornness, intransigence.
Engage
Engage: to interest someone in something and keep them thinking about it, to become involved, or have contact, with someone or something.
- en·gage: occupy, attract, or involve (someone’s interest or attention).
- capture, catch, arrest, grab, snag,
- draw, attract, gain, win, hold, grip,
- captivate, engross, absorb, occupy
- participate or become involved in.
- take part in, join in. go in for, partake in/of,
- share in, play a part/role in;
Zeal
Zeal :great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective.
- passion, ardor, love, fervor, fire, avidity,
- devotion, enthusiasm, eagerness, keenness,
- appetite, relish, gusto, vigor, energy, intensity
Quote From Dr. Robert Smith
Big Book 181
OK, now let me start this off by quoting Dr. Bob, Co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous as he wrote in the Big Book of AA on page 181 from the Chapter, “Doctor Bob’s Nightmare”.
“If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you.
It never fails, if you go about it with one half the “ZEAL” you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink.”
Let’s get busy! I came into the rooms of recovery many years ago, in fact it was in 1979 when I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
That was almost 43 years ago.
In all that time I have attended thousands of meetings; with-in Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, and Narcotics Anonymous.
Exposure to a Solution
I would love to say I have 43+ years of clean and sober time but that would not be honest.
What I do have is over 42 years of exposure to the only solution I have ever known.
However, most of the last 42 + years were not fashioned in the way Doctor Bob prescribed in the aforementioned quote.
Getting Things Done in Addiction
The life of the drug addict or alcoholic involves evading responsibilities and hiding from difficulties. Detouring accountability and purposeful forgetfulness become the standard mode of operation.
The addict/alcoholic believes that the key to life is to advocate denial and avoid problems. They do this by approaching the world through a cloud of intoxication.
When people become clean & sober they need to adopt a – New Attitude.
If they fail to do so they will not find much happiness in their new life.
One of the more important mental attributes that the individual will benefit from fostering is that of being “TENACIOUS”.
Bill Wilson writes in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, the following:
”It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe”
Active Addiciton
90% of a $20 Rock
As a active drug addict and alcoholic, I never used only part of what I had to drink.
Or smoke, inject, snort, pop, and huff.
I cant imagine myself of only smoking 90% of a $20 rock of crack, leaving some alone.
Good To The Last Drop
Once I started drinking a fifth of whiskey, the only time it was left partly filled is when I would pass out, only to finish it off, when I came to.
I used and drank like the Maxwell House coffee slogan — good to the last drop!!!
What Do I Mean?
Well when I was using and drinking it seemed as if all of my efforts in life were just in doing that; drinking and using.
I was totally “engaged “and had an extra supply of “zeal” in doing so.
When I drank I would exhibit;
- passion, ardor, love, fervor,
- fire, avidity, devotion, eagerness,
- keenness, relish, gusto,
- vigor, energy, and intensity!
When I was using I would have a great sense of:
- urgency, interest, attraction,, and appetite.
My thoughts and actions were;
- captivated, engrossed, absorbed, and occupied.
I was;
- devoted, enthusiastic, committed and focused.
My Obsessive History
The history of my addiction and alcoholism involved an obsession, a preoccupation that drove me into oblivion and landed me wherever it wanted to, whenever it wanted to.
For those folks that do not understand, I could only describe it as insanity.
I was willing at anytime, anywhere, to;
- do, say, feel, think, act, lie, steal, embezzle,
- convince, con, spend, forge, deal, perpetrate,
- cajole, and manipulate anything or anyone, including myself.
I did these things to meet the needs. The desires of my incessant hunger for the next hit, drink, or fix.
…….All of this I did and would do while I was clean and sober! That is the sickness! All for the next fix!
The Good Doctor Silkworth M.D.
William Duncan Silkworth M.D., (1873–1951) was an American medical doctor and specialist in the treatment of alcoholism. He was Director of the Charles B. Towns Hospital for Drug and Alcohol Addictions in New York City in the 1930 s.
Dr. Silkworth wrote two letters in the chapter titled “The Doctor’s Opinion” in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. In one of the letters on page xxix he writes the following –
“Men and women drink essentially because they like the effects produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.”
…”To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks — drinks which they see other taking with impunity.”
…”After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.”
…”This is repeated over and over again, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.”
More Characteristics
Here are some additional characteristics of a person like me ( when I’m sober ) — on page 52 in the book, it states:
“We were having trouble with our personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were pray to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people”…….
There’s more good new about me on page 151 –
“For most folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it.
There was always one more attempt — and one more failure.
“The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval.”
Momentarily we did — then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face:
The Hideous Four Horsemen
“Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair.”
Unhappy drinkers who read this page will defiantly understand this
The next paragraph defines the insane thinking I suffered from for so long.
Check It Out
“Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, “I don’t miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time.” As ex-problem drinkers we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits.
He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety.
He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.”
That Exact Experience
Alcohol and drugs have left a unrelenting and unforgettable “Footprint on My Soul.
Thank God for the men who cared more for my life than they did my feelings. The had not one problem telling me the real truth about my condition as an untreated alcoholic-junkie!!!
The people who saved my life showed me the solution in their own lives.
Why would I not want the same?????
What is wrong with me. Why can’t I get this thing? Why can’t I stay sober? And why can’t I stop sticking needles in my arm? How can I ever be happy? Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why are you doing this to me? How does this keep happening? Why do I want to die?????
WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY
Addiction and alcoholism were my Masters.
I was a total slave to their cunning grip, squeezing my soul and spirit into worthless dust.
Blown into any direction they wished. Taking and removing every hope and dream, no more love , or comfort.
Only misery and pain.
My Friends
My friends showed me that if I were to let go of my “old ideas” and open my mind up to a new way of thinking, then maybe I might have what they have.
They told of a surrender, a giving in process, conceding the fight.
Their guidance led me to an understanding, that what they were describing, was in fact real and could be mine if I were to pay a price and a honest desire to do so.
The process was explained to me and it was made very clear.
That if I were to put forth the same effort and zeal, with enthusiasm, as if I had just been cured of a terminal disease, and that if I were to engage my recovery, as I had engaged my addictions, then I could enjoy the same peace and happiness that they were experiencing.
I was given a new direction to follow that provided me with just that, and much, more!
New Direction
I needed the discipline they spoke of. I had at one time, thought of discipline as being punishment.
Today the discipline of recovery is the guiding force of my very life.
If I were to pay attention and focus, with the same intensity as I did while I was using or getting ready to use, then I would reap the benefit of a fulfilling and meaningful purpose in life.
I would gain access to a Power that , they said, would change everything!
My friends were absolutely right. One moment it was one way, and then all of a sudden, everything changed, as if my reality in the universe has transitioned into a new realm. They called this a transformation, or a spiritual change.
It was the psychic change the good Doctor Silkworth has spoke of many years ago.
One of our promises that the recovery process produces is what we call, “A New Freedom and a New Happiness.”
New Freedom
I describe this “NEW FREEDOM” as this:
Today I go all day long with a; New Desire, New Hope, New Meaning, and New Purpose.
I go all day long without the thought of drinking or using.
But more miraculous to me is that, I go all day long not even thinking on how I am not going to drink or use.
Wow!!! Don’t think about drinking and don’t think about not drinking.
The “Problem” has been “removed”.
All that was needed was “my participation” in my own recovery.
The Storms Blowin
Just because the wind quit blowing doesn’t mean the storm is over. It just might be the eye your standing in.
It seems that when we quit drinking and using the problems would go away and we would be able to regain our status in life, but this is not so , if you suffer from what I have suffered from”.
I have learned to “ENGAGE RECOVERY”.
I can not give addiction an inch, no wiggle room for this ex-hopeless dope-fiend. Today I am a dope-less hope-fiend.
New Purpose & Meaning To Life
New purpose and with new meaning fill me with passion. I stand along with my friends on the firing line of life ready to reach out to the still lost and broken.
I will always tell them the truth and offer the solution that was passed on to me.
With my sobriety I am as tenacious with the recovery program, as I was with my past using and drinking.
So many times have I heard people says — “A.A. doesn’t work for them” or “I don’t have to do all that stuff”.
We Never Left Anything
Most of us never had a problem turning our will and life over to a syringe full of dope or a bottle full of booze.
Most of us never left anything on the table.
When I was drinking and getting high, I drank and I used as much as I could.
I used as fast as I could, for as long as I could.
100% of 100% of 100% of the time.
Why Would I want Any Less?
Why would I only want to do just part of the work, which is what gives me my life back, and fulfills every dream and desire, I’ve ever needed or wanted.
Can you imagine a Doctor coming to you with the great news that he is going to cure the cancer that is killing you?
The Doctor prepares the cure, and as he is administering it to you — he stops, after only giving you 90% of the required dose.
That Would Be Crazy — RIGHT???
So, why would anyone want to only take just 90% of the solution????
Ask your self that question and be honest!!!!
“IT’S ONLY YOUR VERY LIFE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT”
If you or someone you know needs and wants help. Please seek one of us out. We are everywhere!
Find A Professional that can help you. Also find a recovery person who is no longer enslaved by the evil of addiction.
Recovery happens each and every day.
Thanks again for all your precious time, It’s very valuable.
Truly yours, Chris Freeman 24/7/365