If you have been reading some of my tales of my past adventures into alcoholic and drug-addicted madness then this will come to you as no surprise. As to all the stuff about my deranged mind and perilous, as well as a very fatal condition.
Let me first tell you that I am a fully recovered drug addict and alcoholic who has had the required transformation. Each day, do the things needed to maintain a fit spiritual, as well as a recovered condition. (read page 86 B.B.)
Page 86 BigBook AAPage 87 BigBook AA
Grace & Mercy
I exist only because of grace and mercy of which I certainly did nothing to deserve.
If true justice was served upon me for my past digressions I would be in one of three places, locked up in a prison cell, strapped down in an asylum for the criminally insane, or rotting in a box six feet under!
Here we go then — if you are unable to read graphic descriptions of the twisted behaviors of a crackhead, as well as those of a sick junkie and drunk, then please do not proceed.
****WARNING ⚠ WARNING ⚠ WARNING ⚠ ****
Soul-Sickness
I wish to cause no one harm in any fashion to anyone who may still be having difficulty with addictive thoughts and feelings.
I truly believe I have had a distinct and very twisted form of an abnormal persona.
Unfortunately, I have seen and experienced many forms of deviant behavior. You can say that this deranged mind is a perverse “Soul-Sickness”.
Here are just a few of the definitions of this condition — adulterate, brutalize, corrupt,
degrade, demoralize, deprave,
pervert, warp, vitiate and deviate.
In my case, all these, and many more were attached to the perversion of my abnormal sexual behavior. The various means of obtaining instant gratification, from anything or anyone!
The Neuro-biology of My Cocaine Addiction
Cocaine produces its psychoactive and addictive effects primarily by acting on the brain’s limbic system, a set of interconnected regions that regulate pleasure and motivation. An initial, short-term effect — a build-up of the neurochemical dopamine — gives rise to euphoria and a desire to take the drug again.
Researchers are seeking to understand how cocaine’s many longer-term effects produce addiction’s persistent cravings and repeated return to using the drug.
The first film portrayed individuals smoking crack cocaine, the 2nd show images of outdoor nature scenes, and the 3rd was a pornography film displaying explicit sexual content.
It is only from my personal experience that the portions of my brain that were affected by the introduction of cocaine into my system were the same.
Same As Sex
Same as the one that controlled my desires for sex.
It was if both passions were twisted and entangled together. Side by side. Never one without the other.
During the height of my cocaine addiction, which includes both IV use and crack smoking, I found it impossible to stop.
Impossible to stop or slow the actions of this manic state of intoxication.
With just one shot or one hit, I would immediately turn into a psychotically driven creature of evil and destructive passions.
A Deranged Mind Without Boundaries
I had no boundaries and anything was possible. Unnatural actions would course through me driving me to a deprivation of all types.
At a certain point of my cocaine usage, it would cease to be an involuntary action.
This would be the evidence of my addiction.
The overwhelming seemingly positive reinforcement, and the sensation of the uncontrolled euphoria, would eventually alter my brain so that the use of cocaine would become obligatory, and needed, regardless of consequence, situation, time, or morality. An “ENSLAVEMENT‘ of the greatest magnitude. Total and all-powerful.
It was an unrelenting terror that could not be avoided even when I wished it to be different.
Pure Obsession
Some identify this as a pure obsession, the idea that I would be able to manage it, as well as control and enjoy it at the same time.
What I would end up with is a sick and twisted episode.
Which is where I would encounter the self-deprecating and dangerous actions. These lead me into the underworld of unbounded sexual deviancy and gratification.
Sometimes it would just involve me under the lash of the drug, raping myself.
Nightmare of Fantasy’s
I became engrossed in a nightmare of fantasy, willing to do anything with anyone, anywhere, at any time.
I usually targeted cheap motel rooms. Those with or without the company of young women that were like me. The gals, hopelessly addicted to crack or the needle.
I also perused through the 24-hour bookstores exhibiting no concern!
Hellish Moment’s Of a Deranged Mind
My insanity took a great toll on the people with whom I shared these hellish moments with.
I feel as if I became the predator forcing my sickness and perversion on others, willing or not.
Just use the drugs to engage them and draw them into my ugly vicious realm of destruction.
At the end of my addiction, I became so insanely destructive that I no longer would hide my behavior from the people closest to me.
Forced Desires
I forced my desires on them and expected them to enjoy it as I did. A long-deserved trip to the state hospital put an end to the monster’s reign on my soul. That is another story I have to share. Its called “The Monster’s Grip”
I released from its deadly grip.
As of today, April 12, 2021, I no longer feel or dread the Monster’s clutches.
Psychosis is the most destructive force I have ever encountered.
Believe me, this is the most difficult to understand. Understand and come to terms with it. With the induced madness. as well as the immorality it brought forth.
Let Your Monster Go
During the process of recovery, my inventory was one of great release and freedom.
Naming the creature in me, gave me the strength, to be honest, and face my past with self-forgiveness, and compassion for all of those whom I harmed. I was given the knowledge and strength to face it. Also, the strength to face and make an account for my past. As well as all its harms are I did to others! The road was long, to say the least.
Please if you have suffered as I have, find someone who you trust and have the courage to “Let Your Monster Go” as I did.
Today I am a 40-year addiction survivor. Today I know why!
